It’s my 5th anniversary week!!!! This week, I have been thinking SO MUCH about my wedding day, and the past 5 years with my beloved.
As I have mentioned many, many times before, my marriage has been anything but easy.
From my perspective, our wedding day was traumatic, which led to me needing therapy for a whole year.
During the first year, we had weekly doctor appointments with specialists to figure out why my husband’s wrist wouldn’t heal after he broke it during his bachelor party.
Our second year, nothing super eventful happened.
But then the third year of marriage, my husband had an accident at work which has completely changed our lives. He now lives in a state of chronic pain stemming from this accident, and it has been incredibly difficult to navigate. But, we have stuck with each other through the highs and the deep, deep lows.
We have talked many times about getting divorce, only to not be able to go through with it. We have both cried, vulnerably shared our truths and loved so deeply.
Through these hard times, I have learned so much about life, love, and what it means to be a team with your partner. I have also learned so much about my self and what it means to be my self.
So, today I wanted to give all of my beautiful, amazing couples, and of course anyone who reads this, a bit of marriage advice. Believe me, I have learned this all the hard way, and these are the things that have literally saved my marriage.
- Stop relying on your partner to be your EVERYTHING: Since my husband has been dealing with chronic illness, I suddenly became many things to him. Not only was I his wife, but I became his caregiver. I suddenly became responsible for most house chores, for taking care of him, for helping him with things, etc. You can understand how difficult this can be to a relatively newly married couple. It was all too much. While you might not have to deal with anything this serious, you cannot expect your partner to fulfill every role in your life. Your partner can probably fulfill 2-3 roles, such as your lover and your partner in crime. You want them to do these things VERY WELL. But don’t also expect them to be your therapist, your accountant, your maid, your secretary. I hope this makes sense!
- Have your own hobbies: This one goes along with #1, but have your own hobbies. Hobbies that you do separately from each other, both alone, and with your other friends. This is such a huge part of self-care!
- Know what you want: One thing that hurt me during these trying times was that I have always been a people pleaser and have always put others ahead of me. But when you are in a situation where you REALLY need to learn how to give yourself some self-care, you have to know what you WANT. What do I want? I myself want quiet time. I want reading, painting, relaxing. I want gardening, I want adventure. One way I developed this was to ask myself “If my husband weren’t a factor, what would I do with my time?” Once you figure out what you want, do it! This is how you take care of yourself, and consequently, take care of your marriage.
- Get comfortable asking for what you want, aka, stop expecting your partner to read your mind: The next stage of knowing what you want is asking for what you want. This can be terrifying, especially if what you want is something different than what you’ve wanted in the past or different than what your partner might expect. But know this: you cannot live a lie for very long, and your partner is not a mind-reader. You should not even expect your partner to be a mind-reader. Asking for what you want is MEDICINE for you AND your partner. Your husband or wife may be nervous or angry at first, but eventually they will be refreshed by you asking for what you want. This also gives them permission to ask for what THEY want. It’s all a beautiful cycle.
- Your childhood wounds become your adult triggers: This is another deep, scary one, but it doesn’t have to be. Think about the times where your partner pushes your buttons. OR when you immediately snap at him or her. These are your triggers. For me, all of those times that I snap at my husband, it’s related to something about my childhood. For instance, I have issues with not feeling heard as a child, so when I feel like my husband isn’t taking my emotions or my perspective seriously, I get really defensive and start a fight. If you don’t heal your childhood wounds, you are bound to repeat them with your partner.
- Your tone is everything: This one little thing can make or break your marriage. How you ask for anything is everything. If you are always cranky and defensive, chances are your partner is not going to want to give you what you want. But if you ask for something lovingly and respectfully, they will be more receptive. Remember: you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
- Separate chores: This one is really simple and logical: when you know whose job it is to do something, you won’t have to wonder who will do it, when it will get done, how it will get done. My job is to do the dishes, my husband’s job is to take out the trash. When you divide the chores, you can complete your chores and trust that your partner will complete theirs.
Along with my own marriage advice, taken from my experience, I also want to leave you with some resources that will help you navigate marriage.
Recommended marriage resources:
- Open Wide by Melissa Ambrosin (fun to listen to rather than read because she’s Australian and has an amazing accent)
- Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel (definitely listen to this on audio book, it’s hard to sit down and read this)
- Pussy: A Reclamation by Regena Thomashauer (I know the title is crass, but read the book, ESPECIALLY if you don’t know what you want from life!)
- Dating Advice from a Divorce Lawyer podcast episode from Love, Sex, Desire with Susana Frioni
- Better Than Before by Gretchen Rubin (this is an amazing book if you’re interested in learning how your habits shape your life/marriage!)
Start with this advice and these resources, and you will be well on your way to a better marriage!
Cheers to your marriage, and cheers to many more years for my beloved and I.
xoxo,
Wild Soul Weddings
Iowa, Idaho, destination, traveling, and elopement wedding photographer/videographer